Chapter Nine

Did what I think just happened, really happen? Did I actually hurt her so much that she left? I had to go talk to someone. My mind was reeling and if I didn’t talk to someone soon I would go crazy. I could already feel my mind tugging to break down all together. What had I actually said? I think I may have told her that she didn’t mean anything to me. Was that possible? Could I tell the woman that I’ve loved my entire life that she meant nothing to me, when in reality she meant, and still means, everything to me? What kind of moron would do something like that? Me. That’s what moron. Me. Who was around that I could talk to? Justin? No, too close to her now, he would be pissed. Chris would work. I think he’s alone now, and even if he’s not I’ll get him on his own. I made my way over to his room and knocked.

“I really need to talk Chris.” I said hollowly. My voice seemed distant and echoed inside my head. I walked him over to the couch and sat him down.

“Kayleigh just left. I guess I pissed her off a little too much. She’s probably on a flight back to Florida by now.”

“Oh my god, what the hell did you say to her? What happened?” He asked apprehensively.

“Well basically a couple nights ago we almost . . . erm . . . got together again. Well, Justin knocked on the door and when I realized what I was doing I got really scared. I asked myself out loud what the hell I was doing. And today she cornered me, and I basically told her that she meant nothing to me. And the sad thing is, I’m changing my mind again. I know that it wasn’t a mistake, and that my only problem is that I’m just so afraid to commit to something. God, I don’t know why Kayleigh still wanted me back. I’m such a fucking dick.”

“Joe, you have to go after her. I’ll tell you there’s not much chance she’ll want to take you back now, but you have to at least try to let her know why you keep screwing things up. You’re a moron if you don’t go crawling back on hands and knees begging for forgiveness. But, you may have gone too far this time. You’ll be lucky if you can even get her to look at you now.”

“Well, you better get over your fear pretty damn quick because the girl of your dreams is right in front of you, and has been your entire life and I’d say you were an idiot if you haven’t realized it before now.”

“Chris, you’re saying this like you want me to marry her. I have a long time before I have to settle into anything permanent.”

“Yeah Joey, but is she gonna wait for you that long? No. I know she still loves you and I can see it in your eyes that you still love her too. So you better get your ass in gear before you lose her forever this time.”

I was silent for a few moments. What he said had hit me like a slap in the face. He was right. I suddenly heard a melody of a song in my head and I tried to place it, but I was unsuccessful. I hummed a little for Chris but he didn’t know what it was, nor did it sound familiar to him. I suddenly realized I was writing a song in my head. I laughed out loud and Chris looked at me like I was crazy. I got up and headed to the studio downtown. I was gonna write this song. I had to; it just might be able to solve all my problems.

“Kayleigh, I’m gonna go to a party, and I’m not gonna be back till really late, are you gonna be ok alone?” Ever since I realized the enormity of the situation I was in, I had been a wreak. Although two days had passed since I found out, I was still trying to come to terms with myself. I kept thinking about what I was going to do, and every time I did I felt sick. Or maybe that was the baby. God, I hate my life.

She walked over and gave me a hug. “Hold in there, you’ll be okay with this in no time. I’ll see you later, hun.”

I knew what I had to do. It was the answer to all my problems and I was an idiot for not realizing it before now. I had consumed about half a bottle of Scotch, and was quite drunk. I knew that but that only helped in what I had to do. And this way, I wouldn’t even have to worry about a hangover in the morning. Sure, my mom and some other people would miss me, but I would leave a note explaining why I did it and then they wouldn’t feel bad anymore because they would see that desperate times called for desperate measures. I headed unsteadily into the bathroom and opened the medicine cabinet. I was looking for my bottle of sleeping pills; I had them around just in case because I used to have some sleeping disorders. Hopefully there were enough left to do what I needed them to do. Yes, there they were, and there was almost a full bottle. Perfect.

As I was opening the bottle, I heard a pounding on the door and I dropped the bottle, spilling the contents in the sink. Shit, who the hell could that be at midnight?

I wobbled out to the front door and opened it. Joey was standing in the pouring rain with a tape in his hands.

“Can I come in? I’ll explain it all when we get inside.” I stood back to let him come in knowing that I would have to get rid of him soon if I was going to go through with the suicide. God that was an ugly word. Just like pregnancy. We should eliminate both out of the English language.

Joey told me to sit on the couch, and I agreed, sinking down into the soft cushions and feeling as though I could never get up again. Joey put the tape into the tape player and the room filled with music. He kneeled down in front of me and started singing.

I get a feeling
I can't explain
Whenever your eyes meet mine
My heart spins in circles
And I lose all space and time
And now that we're standing face to face
Somethin' tells me
It's gonna be okay

And I'm ready to fall in love tonight
Ready to hold my heart open wide
I can't promise forever but baby I'll try
Yes, I'm ready to fall in love tonight

I know you've been watching
Choosin' your moment
I've been dreaming of that day
No one before you has gotten to me this way
And now that we're standing face to face
There's something that I need to say

And I'm ready to fall in love tonight
Ready to hold my heart open wide
I can't promise forever but baby I'll try
Yes, I'm ready to fall in love tonight

Nothing is certain, this I know
Wherever we're headed I'm ready to go
I can't promise forever but baby I'll try
Yes I'm ready to fall in love tonight
Yes I'm ready to fall in love tonight
Yes, I'm ready to fall in love tonight

I didn’t realize I was crying until he reached up and brushed my tears away. I knew I shouldn’t forgive him, and I knew I should tell him to leave, but I needed him so badly. I collapsed into his arms and cried for what felt like hours. All the while he held me and whispered that he was sorry, and that he loved me too much to let me go again. After my tears subsided I pulled back and kissed him. As we kissed we made our way into my bedroom, and we spent the night together for the first time in three years.

“I gotta go soon.” Joey whispered in my ear. We had woken up this morning around 10. We had the opportunity of course to sleep with each other last night, but I didn’t want to. I don’t think he did either. Although we had been in a relationship before and felt comfortable with each other, we wanted to start fresh. So we spent the night in each other arms just talking. We had spent the rest of the day in bed watching TV, only getting up to grab some lunch, then coming back in and laying down. It was now about 6, and it was getting dark. Amy had spent the night at her friends house last night because they were all to drunk to drive anywhere.

“I gotta be in Tallahassee for a photo shoot early tomorrow. I’m even lucky the guys made an excuse to let me have today off. And I have to drive, so I got a long way to go.” He said as he got up and located his shoes.

“When are you gonna be back in this area?” I asked. I didn’t want it to be a long time before we saw each other again, especially since we were back together now. I still couldn’t believe it. I mean, this was like all my dreams coming true.

All too soon Joey had left and I was anxiously waiting for Amy to get home. She had no idea what had happened between Joe and I. She finally got home about 8:00.

“Oh. My. God. I have SO much to tell you!” I squealed as she walked in the door.

“Um, ok.” She said giving me a funny look and sitting on the couch next to me. “What’s up?”

“Joey and I are back together!” I said excitedly. Her reaction was extremely different that what I was expecting. I was expecting a ‘that’s great’ or something along those lines.

“Why?” She demanding. “What’s wrong with you? After what you told me he did, you actually took him back? Kayleigh, you’re better than that! He’s just going to do something idiotic to ruin it, AGAIN!” She said angrily.

“Amy, you’re supposed to be happy for me.” I said incredulously. “He really wants to stay this time. You should have heard him apologize to me. He even wrote a song for me! That’s gotta tell you something. He was totally sincere about it.”

“Just like he was totally sincere about it the last time?” She said waspishly.

“Well you have to tell him and Joey that you’re pregnant. Did you expect the problem to just go away now that you and Joey are peachy keen again? They’re gonna notice sometime, and you deserve to tell Justin the truth. Joey too no matter how much I can’t stand him. They can’t be left in the dark. And I hope you do know that this baby is going to change everything between you and Joey.”

“Of course I know it’s gonna change. But Joe will understand. I’ll just explain the situation to him, and the circumstances under which it happened. I’m sure Justin will understand too.” I replied hopefully.

“Yes, a nineteen-year-old kid is going to understand that he suddenly has to be a father now. Kayleigh, there’s so much to this situation that you’re missing! You have to tell your parents, and I know your mother will kill you. Justin’s parents have to know, and I’m sure that they won’t be thrilled that their little teenager is a father. Plus, you have to consider that you’re going to have to raise this kid by yourself. Yeah, I can help you since we’re roommates, but you can’t expect Justin or Joey to stay and help you. They both have to be on the road constantly. And you have a job to consider! I mean I know you’re graduating from school in whatever a month, but there’s still work.”

Oh my god. She was so right. I hadn’t considered any of what she had said. This was going to ruin my life. I promised myself that the next time I saw Justin I would tell him. I had to do it in person; this wasn’t the kind of thing you could tell someone over the phone. “God, you’re right. I am in such deep shit.”

Ugh, the phone was ringing. I groggily lifted my head and looked at the clock. Three in the morning. Who the hell was calling? I lifted the phone to my ear.

“Kayleigh, you have to get here NOW, Joey’s gotten into an accident. He’s . . . he’s in pretty bad condition.” Chris said from wherever he was. I was suddenly wide-awake.

“Angel of Mercy Hospital in Tallahassee. You have to get here as soon as you can.”

“Alright, Chris I’m on my way.” I hung up and started to get dressed. I would drive to the train station and call Amy from there and let her know what was going on. God, please don’t let him die, I thought as I raced out the door to my car.

I arrived at the hospital a few hours later. I found the guys in an upstairs private waiting room. As I entered I asked, “What happened, is he okay?”

Chris took my arm and led me outside. “He was in a car accident on the way here. He’s in a coma. The doctors don’t think there’s much chance of him waking up.”

I was faintly aware of Chris talking some more but I didn’t hear a word of what he said. How could this have happened? I just got Joey back and now he was being taken away from me again. I felt Chris wrap his arms around me and I hugged him back tightly. I was trying to hold in a sob, but it escaped me. I could swear I felt my heart breaking that very instant. I pulled away from Chris and dazedly walked into the waiting room and took a seat. Although I had sustained from crying, I was shaking. I heard someone tell me the doctor would be here in a few minutes to let us know if we could go in and see him. They were still running a few tests. I must have nodded because I didn’t hear anyone talk. I wondered briefly if I was going insane or if I was in shock. Neither would have surprised me.

“You can go in and see Mr. Fatone now. Although I advise you not to stay long, visiting hours have been over for quite some time now.” The doctor came in and told us.

We all rose and walked down the hall into his room. All I was aware of was a soft echoing voice in my head. It was telling me that I had done something to deserve this, that it was my fault in some way. I tried to push it aside and concentrate on acting as normal as could be expected. I felt someone put their hand on my shoulder.

“Hey, are you ok?” It was Justin. Suddenly I snapped back into reality and felt so weak I could hardly stand. I stumbled a little and Justin steadied me. God, how could I tell this poor kid that I was pregnant with his kid? He didn’t do anything to deserve this. I vaguely thought about seeing a doctor after the guys left to get assurance that I was pregnant.

“I think I’ll be okay.” I said softly. “What about you, how are doing?”

We entered the room and I got another little burst of weakness and had to sit down. The guys all took seats or stood around his bed. I didn’t trust myself to go that far. I didn’t want to break down hysterically in front of these guys. I could hardly look at him. I had to look away several times to get myself under control. He looked so pale. He had bruises along the right side of his face and a cut on his left cheek. His left arm was in a sling, and he had an IV in his right. I didn’t realize but about 20 minutes had passed. I finally stood and took a few seconds to compose myself.

The guys started heading out. As JC passed he squeezed my shoulder and said, “We’ll give you a few minutes. We’ll be in the cafeteria when you’re done.”

I walked slowly over to the side of the bed and pulled a chair closer to the bed.

“Hey baby.” I whispered softly, taking his hand. “You gotta hang in there for me honey. Not just for me either, the guys are worried sick, and I’m sure your parents are on their way from New York to see you. You gotta pull through for all the people who need you. God, I just got you back, I can’t lose you again. Joey, you can’t leave me like this, know why? You saved my life last night. You’re the only reason I’m alive right now. After we had that fight, I got home and I was drinking a lot and I had the pills in my hand when you knocked on the door. God, you mean so much to me, and I don’t know what I’m going to do if you don’t wake up. Please don’t leave me like this baby, I need you too much. Do you know how much I love you? I would do anything to keep you alive right now. If they asked me to give up my life for you, I would do it in an instant. Please don't leave, please.” I was openly crying now. I didn’t care who came in and saw me.

A passing nurse poked her head in and told me I should leave. I nodded taking another look at Joey before leaving. As I rounded the corner of the door, I almost ran into Justin.

“Alright, listen I really need to talk to you.” I said taking his hand and leading him into the nearest waiting room. “You might want to take I seat.” I took a deep breath. I really didn’t want to drop this on him right now, but I certainly didn’t want to drop it on him if Joey . . . well, never mind, the point is that I didn’t see any other reasonable time to tell him.

“Justin, I’m pregnant.” I looked into his eyes and he looked confused for a moment.

“With . . .Joey? Then how do you know already, I mean I thought you . . . just last night . . .?” He trailed off. I was smiling slightly and shaking my head.

He was silent for almost a full minute. He was looking at me with his moth slightly opened. “That’s not . . . I mean you couldn’t be . . . I mean we used protection.”

“Oh yeah, and I really planned on getting knocked up by a nineteen-year-old kid when I was only twenty-two.” I said sarcastically. I instantly regretted it when I saw the hurt in his eyes. I shouldn’t be so harsh. We had the stuff with Joey to deal with and on top of that I was expecting him to cope with being a father. It was unfair of me. “God Justin I’m sorry.” I said walking over to him. I wrapped my arms around his neck and said, “I know I shouldn’t be so harsh. I’m still trying to recover from the shock myself. I just want to let you know that you can choose to be in this child’s life as much or as little as you want to be. I don’t intend on asking you for anything if you don’t think you can-”

“No, I want to be there for everything. It’s my responsibility too, half my fault, I owe that to you.” He replied. “Hey, we better go to the cafeteria, the guys will be wondering where we are.”

“Only a few days.” I replied. “Are you sure you’re going to be okay with this?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. I just need a few minutes to get over the initial shock is all.” He smiled. “What about you, I mean it’s probably a bigger responsibility for you, like going to the doctor and stuff.”

“Oh, I think I’m coming to terms with it. I think the biggest problem is the whole getting fat thing. I don’t think I like that too much. I still have my parents to tell too. My mom is going to have a heart attack.” I said laughing a little.

“Oh my god. My parents. I think I’ll just hold off telling them for a few weeks. Maybe I’ll be okay with it by then too.”

“Hey, I was thinking of seeing a doctor while I’m here and getting some professional advice and reassurances. I have a lot of questions, this being my first time and all. Would you be interested in coming with me? I need the moral support and I think it would help both of us.”

We sat in the cafeteria for about an hour. The guys were waiting for Joey’s parents to get there. They wouldn’t be arriving for another couple of hours.

“Oh I’m definitely going to stay here. Crap, I gotta call my roommate, I’ll be right back.” I made my way to the payphone and told Amy everything. She wondered when I would be back home and I told her I probably wouldn’t be back for a day or two. I couldn’t leave Joe until I got some final word on what was going to happen with him.

When I got back Justin said he was going to take a walk and asked if I wanted to come. Seeing this as a good opportunity to see a doctor, we did. I was assured that I was really pregnant, and the doctor answered most of the questions I had. He referred me to a doctor at Tampa Memorial hospital so I wouldn’t have to come up here every time something happened. After we saw the doctor, Justin and I met the guys in another waiting room. JC was the first to fall asleep, soon followed by the rest of the guys. I stayed awake all night, sometimes getting up to stretch or get something to eat. I hoped to god that Joey would wake up soon.

The guys, Joey’s parents, and I had been at the hospital for three days when finally something happened. JC was in Joey’s room when we heard him yell for the doctor. Although he was all the way down the hall we all heard him quite clearly.

“Hey, I think he’s waking up! Someone come in here quick!” We all jumped out of our seats and headed for the door. As the doctor passed us he told us to stay where we were, he would come get us when they were done and sure he was all right.

It had been a stressful few days and relief flooded through me when I heard JC yell. Joey’s mom was surprised I was there, but I explained that Joey and I just recently got back together again. I naturally left out the major details. She was surprised to say the least, that Joe and I decided to give it another go. I guess Joey told his mom why he left, and that’s why she was so startled.

After an hour of waiting the doctors told us we could see him, a couple at a time. Naturally his parents went first. After they came out they told us they would be going back to their motel to get some sleep since they wouldn’t be able to see him again until tomorrow. We said goodbye to them as JC, Justin and Chris went in. They said I could go in alone so I could talk to him in private.

When they came back out again JC was smiling and he said to me, “You better get in there, he keeps asking for you.” I smiled back and shakily walked to his room. I stopped in the doorway and just looked at him. His eyes moved to the door when he heard my footsteps. I was crying again. God, I was such a girl. I walked over and sat in the seat next to his bed and took his hand.

“So what have I missed? Anything good?” Of course. He would joke his whole way through this. Typical Joey.

“Oh, nothing much.” I said laughing again. I leaned over and kissed his forehead. “God, you know how scared you had me?”

He reached up and brushed my tears away. “Hey, don’t worry, all that’s over now. I’m awake and I am so ready to go back to normal.”

“It’s so good to see your face again.” He said smiling. “I love you so much.” I might have been imagining this, or it could have been a trick of the light, but I thought his eyes were shining with wetness. “You have no idea how shocked I was when I woke up in here.” He laughed. “I saw JC and I tried to ask him what the hell he was doing here but all that came out was like this mutter. Then all these people ran in here, and it got kinda crazy.”

“Three days depending on how my condition is. But I want you to go back to Tampa tonight and stop worrying about me. I will be just fine. And get some sleep, it looks like you haven’t had slept in a year.” He said.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to stay here? I would be more than happy-”

“No, you are going back home, and the first thing I will do when I get out of here is go see you. We have to figure out living arrangements.”

“Joe you’ve been awake hardly two hours and your already thinking about where we’re going to live?” I asked laughing.

“Yes. Now go on the doctor is going to kick you out in a minute. I love you, see you in a few days.”

I leaned over and kissed his cheek. “Yeah, see you in a few days.” I got up and left, and as I was walking down the hall I was wondering how the hell I was going to tell him that I was the mother of Justin’s baby. That of course would be the next step, but I had no idea how long it was going to take. I was just happy that Joey was awake and acting like himself. That was my biggest concern at the moment, not being pregnant. I was just happy that I had Joe back. Everything was going to be fine now. Right?

It had been four months and Joey and I were still happily together. Of course the most likely reason for that was that I still hadn’t told him I was pregnant. Every time I tried to tell him I thought of how it could ruin our relationship and I got scared and didn’t tell him. Justin was always nagging me to tell him, but I just ask why he hasn’t told his parents yet and that usually shut him up. It’s a good thing I was just barely starting to show or I would have to tell Joe a lot sooner.

We were all in an arena in Orlando; I was just hanging out watching them do sound check. When the break came I went up on stage and we all hung out there.

“I have no idea how you can perform in front of all those people.” I said awed by how many people this place could hold. “I think I would die of fright.”

“It gets easier.” Lance laughed. “I used to feel the same way, I almost had a panic attack before our first concert. But you feel more comfortable when you’re on stage and you feel the energy from the crowd.”

“Are you . . . ” He reached out and grabbed my waist. “ticklish?” He said laughing as I squirmed away from him. I got away and tackled him to the ground where he started to tickle me again. We were rolling around wrestling while the guys stood back and laughed, when I suddenly felt the floor go out from under me. I landed on my back on the floor, with Chris tumbling right after me. As he landed, I felt his elbow slam into my stomach. I let out a groan and Chris got up quickly and asked, “Oh god, are you alright?”

My amusement over the situation deteriorated a couple hours later. I was waiting for Chris, JC, Lance, and Joey to come out from back-stage – Justin went to get something to eat - when a sudden cramp in my stomach took my breath away. I almost cried out in pain when I got my breath back. I tried waiting for a few minutes to see if the cramps would go away, but they didn’t.

As Joe came out I said, “Joe, I need a lift back home I’m not feeling too well.” It was a struggle to keep my voice even, but I did so as not to draw too much attention to myself. Joe agreed and as we were walking out of the arena we ran into Justin.

“Oh Kayleigh isn’t feeling well so I’m gonna take her back home.” Joe replied.

Justin glanced quickly at me and said, “I’ll take her home Joe, I don’t really wanna stay here anyway.”

“Ok, thanks.” He turned to me and gave me a quick kiss, “Ill see you later hun.”

When Joey got back into the arena Justin quickly asked me what was wrong. I told him how I was having these cramps, and that I just wanted to go home and sleep. Soon we were in the car and driving back to my house – or so I thought.

“I’m taking you to the hospital, I want to make sure nothing’s wrong.” I inwardly sighed. I should have expected this.

“Hey Justin, I have a question. You’ve been treating me like I was some fragile little thing lately, why didn’t you “run to my rescue” when I fell?”

“Well I actually started to run down, but then I realized all the guys don’t know yet, and they would be wondering why I was hyperventilating over a fall. And anyway, when I saw you stand up and smile, I thought it couldn’t have been that serious.” I nodded.

It was true; lately Justin had been treating me like I was made of glass – he would hardly ever let me do anything myself. I knew I wasn’t going to get out of this little trip, so I let him take me. Truth be told, I was a little nervous about it myself. I read in a book that a sign of something going wrong with a pregnancy is severe cramping in the stomach area. Jesus Christ, I couldn’t think like this. It’s nothing, I’m positive f it. We’re just going to get there and the doctor is going to laugh and tell us that it was normal. Right? Another cramp seized my stomach and I inhaled sharply and winced. Justin looked over at me worriedly and I felt the car speed up.

“Justin, don’t drive too fast, you’re distracted.” I said after I exhaled.

“Sorry, I can’t help it, I just want an assurance that I’m worrying over absolutely nothing.”

“Yeah, me too.” I said quietly. If anything was wrong and something happened to the baby – no I couldn’t think about that. I tilted my head back and tried to convince myself that nothing was wrong, and if there was something wrong, it would be a minor problem that was fixable. I calmed myself down enough to say, “Hey, everything is going to be fine. I’m sure it’s nothing.”

“Yeah. I’m almost positive. We don’t have anything to worry about.” I patted his leg gently and his face seemed to relax a little.

“I know it’s a little late for this, but I am so sorry about everything that has happened.”

“Don’t worry about it Justin. It’s not really your fault. And anyway, I’m coping. I’m actually sort of looking forward to it.” I smiled a little. It was true; I didn’t feel as uncomfortable with the idea of being a mom. Soon enough, we were at the hospital.

The doctor directed me to a waiting room as he took Kayleigh down a hall. I never thought I could be this nervous or scared in my life. I hoped to god that nothing was wrong and that I was over reacting.

I was planning on telling my parents the next time I saw them. I knew they would be angry, but I couldn’t keep something this big from them. I hoped Kayleigh would ‘fess up to Joe soon, too. It would drop such a large burden on him. It would probably cause problems between us and also between him and Kayleigh. But we couldn’t afford not to tell him. He would despise me forever if that happened. Plus, when he found out he would probably want to be involved in every way possible.

While I was waiting I couldn’t stop thinking that something had gone wrong. Now I wasn’t an expert on pregnancy or anything, but somehow I didn’t think cramps were very normal. I mean, I hear about the morning sickness and mood swings, which by the way I had endured for awhile now. Last week when we saw the doctor, he assured us everything was normal. I couldn’t think of what went wrong. But, oh wait. What if something happened when she and Chris fell of the stage? But, that was hours ago, wouldn’t something have happened before now? I didn’t realize until I brushed my hair back that I was shaking. Jesus, what was wrong with me? It’s probably nothing.

About an hour later I saw Kayleigh walk into the room. At first glance I knew she didn’t have any good news. Her eyes were bloodshot and she looked like she had been crying.

She looked at me sadly and sat down next to me. She murmured something that I didn’t quite catch.

When the doctors told me their concerns that I had miscarriage, it felt like someone slapped me across the face. But when the miscarriage was confirmed, it felt like cold hand slipped through my chest and ripped out my heart. How could my child be gone? How could this have happened to me? After I told Justin I kind of went numb. It was like someone had muted the world. I could see his mouth moving and the growing look of panic in his eyes, but I couldn’t hear nor do anything. All I could do was sit there and look blankly back at him. I was swimming in cold and the world was flickering on and off in front of my eyes. I had the strong sensation that someone had stolen a large portion of me and I was fighting to get it back. Yet it was a battle I was loosing. Before long Justin was pulling me to my feet and leading me down the hall. Although I had just been there, I had no idea where I was being led. It seemed to be out of nowhere that the doctor appeared in front of my face. He was saying something and holding up his hands. I looked blankly around. Nothing was real. Nothing penetrated my brain. All of a sudden it was as if someone turned out the lights. I couldn’t see anything and I had the sensation that I was falling. Before I landed however, my mind turned off.

It took me a moment to figure out where I was. My eyes were blurred and I felt drunk. I struggled to sit up and when I did, my eyes met Justin’s. It was as if a movie was being played in fast forward. I couldn’t see nor do anything, Justin was leading me down a hall, there was a doctor . . . and then nothing. I looked at Justin and realized how anxious he looked.

“You fainted. I was trying to talk to you but you looked like you didn’t hear me. You were looking around like you were lost. I brought you to find a doctor and when he tried to get through to you your eyes rolled up and you just sort of collapsed. He said it might have been from the shock of the . . . you know . . .” He broke off, eyes shining.

I had a miscarriage. The force of that thought was like a physical impact. I felt my mind slipping away again. No - stop it. I couldn’t put my mind through that again. I took a deep breath a looked squarely at Justin forcing myself to stay relaxed.

“I want to go home.” Try as I might I couldn’t get any emotion back into my voice. It felt the same way in body. It made sense though. Why should I feel anything anyway? At least this nothingness inside me blocked the pain. I couldn’t bear to feel any more pain in one day. All I wanted was to get home and sleep for a few thousand years.

When we pulled into the parking lot, Joey’s car was there. My stomach was still bothering me and I was cold to the world around me. Justin kept trying to get me to talk but any time I spoke my voice was low and flat. I was empty, drained of all feeling. In the car I had experimentally pinched my arm but I didn’t have any sensation that I was being touched, though I made my arm bleed. When I saw Joey’s car I wondered mildly what explanation I could come up with to where we had been. Yet before I had even stepped out of the car my mind was made up. I was going to tell him the truth. He deserved to know. I asked Justin not to come in because if he was there I wouldn’t be able to do it.

So slowly, the entire story came out. How Justin and I had gotten drunk and had sex, how I had gotten pregnant, how I was afraid to tell him because I thought he was going to leave me again. I told him everything right up until the moment I walked in the door. As I was speaking, emotion and feeling swept through my body, and before I was done I was crying. Oh god how it hurt. It was almost unbearable. It felt like a great pressure was pushing on my chest and making it hard to breathe.

I collapsed into Joey’s arms and sobbed. “I’m so sorry . . . please forgive me . . . I couldn’t . . . oh God Joe I messed up so badly . . . I’m so sorry . . . I just want everything to go back to the way it was before . . . can you make it all go away . . . I don’t want to feel this way anymore.” He was gently rocking me back and forth and rubbing my back when exhaustion set in.

I fell asleep still crying on his shoulder, listening to him whisper, “Don’t worry baby, I forgive you, nothing has changed, I still love you the same as I have since the day I met you. Everything will be fine. Nothing will ever hurt you again, I guarantee you that. You don’t have to worry about anything anymore. I’ll always be here to protect you . . .”